So, it may be because of the Spring warmth, or it may be because I watched a Star Trek: The Next Generation where Riker has to relive some of his most painful memories to stay alive. The past four days or so I have been either reminiscing about my past, or having very vivid dreams about it. But not just good and bad times, or times I was a kid, or things from my recent past...but it seems more and more all I can think about is the summers between my senior year of high school through the summer before my junior year of college. Certain things can spark it or it will just come to me in a dream...and I cannot explain why.
I attribute some of it to talking to my friend M the other night. Everything from running, movies, politics, hometown gossip, Star Trek, everything. For some reason whenever I talk to her, or something reminds me of her, my mind goes to care-free summers of sleeping late and having a feeling of immortality. Summers of watching James Bond movies, late drives with the Cardinal, Duke, Geordi, Sporty, Two-letter and others. Ripping off pizza places with coupons that don't exist, having Semper sneak booze over to my place for the first time. It's one of the most interesting effects anyone has on me. She's a very good friend and I don't tell her that often enough. We have this kind of, almost adult slapstick sense of humor together, and I think she knows more about me and what I am thinking than most other people, which is interesting as I don't think we have seen one another for more than a lunch or coffee in more than a couple years. I just want to feel young again, and I am only 23. Maybe I just miss summers. Maybe I just miss memories if that's possible. As I write this, I now realize she is a friend who reminds me of a season of growth, warmth, and fun. Pretty much her personality in a nutshell, and I hope she realizes how much it means to me.
As I think more, some of my closest friends remind me of broader things...not just the specific memories I have with them. Lord knows there are millions of moments between Geordi, the Duke, and myself. I actually think it could be a best seller if we were to publish our memoirs. When I think of those guys I am reminded of ideas of being trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.
I realize this is becoming very philosophical, and if your sick of it, well too bad.
As for the dreams....I have been reliving moments from the time period I mentioned previously. Parties, moments, dinners, lunches, coffees, movies, adventures, trips, everything. Nothing different either as some dreams can be, but total, complete reliving those moments. I know it is getting to me now..but I am sure after the next week or so, it will wear off but I am sure I will miss it when I do.
I wonder what things I will think of a few years from now. All my crazy college nights with Lala, Ben Franklin, and so many others I cannot think to give clever pseudo-names to. Nights of singing, keg-standing, shots, circle of death, inebriated 'hook ups', and the other cliched moments of college life. Or maybe the nights when the History Boy and I just drank beer and ate goldfish and cheeze-its, respectively, and play the same damn video game for almost a month solid on Friday nights, only to wake up early the next day to write papers and bust our humps in classes.
Maybe I am so occupied with thinking about my best moments of my past because I am so concerned with my present and immediate future. I am unsure about my contract being renewed, and it weighs on me every single day. One boss will do just about anything to make sure I stay there, and why shouldn't he? I am a hard worker, take the initiative, am prompt, always willing to fill in during a tight spot, come in early and stay late if need be. However with the other, it seems for every three steps forward, one tiny thing sets me back a mile, I just cannot win. The thesis is taking a bit longer than I thought, so I am going to purpose it in the fall, and get my hood in December, and hopefully will have found a P.D. that wants me, or get my acceptance to the Navy OS. This is what keeps me up at night, am I going to be here with my contract and living in the Mac, or move back with my folks, be Mr. J Substitute 4 days a week, and write my thesis at home? I have earned two Bachelors Degrees, I am writing my thesis. I have met Presidents, foreign dignitaries, I have saved a life, I have saved my own life. I have help arrest dope dealers, child molesters, wife and husband beaters, murderers and rapists. I am only 23, and I feel as though I have accomplished nothing with my life at times. No offence to my family, but I have achieved more than most of them, and they are so proud of me and love me so much, but I still feel at times I have done nothing with my life.
Looking back at this post, I know much of it sounds negative, but at the moment I am in a very good mood. My friends are either back or are coming back from break. The roommate got some cool video game system that we can play regular Nintendo, Super, and Sega games on one unit. It apparently has Mortal Kombat and Super Mario 3 among others pre-installed. I am going to do nothing for the rest of this semester. I got to talk to Lala tonight which always makes me feel better, and I am supposed to be getting a a BoSox hat from the RN in a couple of weeks.
I am heading down to see Geordi this upcoming weekend which I am really looking forward to getting of out dodge for a while. I know going to see my folks is a quick escape but I still feel trapped by school and work because its only 35 minutes away from me. However, I just found out the Duke is coming up to stay with his folks for a job interview, which puts this all in a predicament. I think the last time the three of us were all together was...wow more than a year at least.
Also, I have just started training for a 5k which is a really new experience for me. Even when I was in my peak physical shape I never was much of a runner, but now I am starting to enjoy it. I say that now, but at 5am tomorrow and around whatever time I am clicking through my first mile I will be cursing and saying forget this. But I will keep going, learning how to breathe through it, and keeping a smile on my face. And yes, I am talking about more than just my running. Yeah...check out that bit of metaphor!
Current music: Jai Ho- A R Rahman from the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack.
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"The RN" I like that :) Even though I hate my job.
ReplyDeleteSo what is this about you saving lives and arresting drug dealers and whatnot? Do you lead a secret double life that I don't know about?
I miss summers off too. Best times of my life. Stress free, fun, outside, at the pool, at the beach. Could not have been a better time in my life. Of course at the time, I thought being a grown up with a real job would be better; how stupid was I. It seems like you're in between, not quite into the career, but definetly not just chillin at home all summer with mom and dad paying for stuff. So I can imagine its tough; one thing you will have is a freakin kick ass education, which is more than I can say for myself. I am very envious! And, go Navy :) I vote for that hehe. Not that it matters because I'm moving home to Maryland as soon as possible.
Move to DC! My summers are still like that frequently even though I'm married and "old" now, lol. :) I love experiencing all this town has to offer.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with being philosophical. Better tha tyou realize what you want from life now than wait until it's too late..
Yah move to DC, its close to MD :)
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